A Drop In the Ocean
by Victoria1127
Summary: The first in a series of 20 Kurt/Finn fics based on a playlist I made.    1- A Drop in the Ocean by Ron Pope.


A Drop in the Ocean

___I was praying that you and me might end up together.__  
__It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert,__  
__But I'm holding you closer than most,__  
__'Cause you are my heaven._

_...And still I can't let you be_

_Most nights I hardly sleep._

_Don't take what you don't need from me_

_... _

I find my life is punctuated by impossibilities. I'm a pessimist by nature, and it's just a fact that I've come to accept.

This hopeful feeling isn't normal.

Finn Hudson is straighter than Chuck Norris fighting a tiger in a bar. He's made this painfully clear. Yet I can't stop fantasizing about me and him walking down the street, hand in hand. His eyes gazing into mine; his lips pressing hard against mine. My love for Finn has been the only stable thing in my life. As unrealistic as it is, it's the one thing I can hold onto. Stability is something I need in my life in order to function properly, and with my Dad's health always hanging in the balance, Finn is the only thing in my life I can count on being there.

I know what I'm doing is pushing him away. I don't know how to act around him...first, I swooned at his every move and flirted with him to the point that he probably would have been creeped out if he _was_ gay. Then, almost predictably, he snapped on me. I couldn't blame him for doing so. So I changed my game plan—cold, distant. He's trying to apologize for what he did, he's trying to make it better, and I just close him out. I see myself doing this, but I can't stop myself; I can't make myself change. I can't believe he still wants to be around me. Every time I say something to him that is sure to push him away forever, I expect him to just look at me with that look that haunts my dreams when I do sleep—that look of disgust, of disbelief that I would ever think I was good enough for him.

And yet...

When I look into those big, brown eyes, all I can think is that he must stick around for a reason. There has to be a reason that he keeps coming back to me and asking to hang out, apologizing for the millionth time, asking if things can go back to the way they were. And he looks so crushed every time I deny him.

I'm stupid. I'm so fucking stupid. He's straight, and this is going to keep happening. I'm going to let my guard down for that amazing smile and my feelings will all come out again, and I'll scare him off again and we'll be back at square one.

Asking him to feel like he needs me when he can't return feelings for me is just as bad as someone asking me to try to fall in love with a girl. It's wrong and it's selfish.

So I'm lying awake in bed, just like I do every night, wishing with every bit of my heart that Finn will wake up tomorrow and realize he loves me. That he's always loved me. And that nobody will ever love him like I do.

...

I'm an optimist by nature, or at least that's what my mom always tells me. I look for the good in everyone, and I think life is just beautiful. Even when you're going through hard times, there's that light at the end of the tunnel and soon you find happiness waiting for you on the other side of the tunnel.

So when Kurt started hating me, I was wondering when I was going to see that light.

I'm pretty sure that I'll regret what I said to him for the rest of my life. That isn't even a word I use, and the one time it falls out of my mouth, it's directed at Kurt. I really AM stupid. The truth is, Kurt became the guy I went to for everything. When I needed to vent, Kurt had time to listen. When I needed advice, Kurt had helpful ideas. When I just needed to know somebody cared, Kurt had open arms. I never thought we could possibly be torn apart. As much as I didn't want to admit it, I would do anything for Kurt. I would walk through fire to make sure nobody hurt him.

I knew he had a crush on me, and it pretty much wasn't an issue. I am straight, and he knew that...I didn't expect him to just forget about his crush. We were always together, and we were close. Then, Azimio and Karofsky started picking on me, and I just snapped. And suddenly, my best friend that I would protect in a heartbeat was hurt. And I was the one who did it.

It nearly killed me.

Kurt is no innocent flower, but his heart is huge. He likes to put up this front that he's made of stone, but I've seen him at home in a raggedy pair of sweatpants, rushing around to get things for Burt. He is the kindest person I've ever met. He wants to be known as this bitch who doesn't give a shit about anybody or anything but himself, but I know the real Kurt Hummel.

When he started hating me, I knew he had a good reason for it, so I just tried my best to let him know that I wanted to be his friend and that I was really sorry. I remember what he said to me that next day.

"_I thought you were different."_

It's about the nicest he's been since. I look at my life without Kurt's constant flirtations and fashion tips, shadowing my every step to tell me how good I looked or to give me help with homework. I have a lot of friends—even more than the average guy at my school, I'd say—but I'm always lonely. It's too quiet. I don't have that encouragement that I'm doing alright, I don't have that firm but kind push to do something I wouldn't normally do. I find myself missing him. Wishing he were with me. Hoping the next time I talk to him, he'll give me that same adoring smile and say something snarky.

We moved out of the Hummel house and back into our old house. My room feels empty. My heart feels empty. My mom is worried about me. I sit in my room all day, halfheartedly playing XBOX and sleeping. God, I miss him.

I don't know why, but I feel like I need him. I can see how I'm acting, how I'm feeling...I'm not the same person I was. I don't know what these feelings mean, but I know that my happiness kind of depends on him.

I just lay in bed now, hugging a pillow that smells like Kurt (because he always sprayed the room we shared with his cologne) and trying not to cry.

...

_Rrrrrrring! Rrrrrrring!_

He glanced at the clock. 3:24 am. Ugh. He grabbed his phone and jammed it to his ear.

"Hello?"

A tearful voice on the other end. "I miss you. I miss you so much."

He smiled.


End file.
